Ty Clancey · Andrew Cochrane · Tara MacDonald · Tony McNeal · Martin Papazian

Zeus Quijano Jr. · Jorge Rivera · Michael Swingler · Paul Thomas · Omer Zigdon

Paul Thomas - Being Civil

The Television Series it could Inspire

“Being Civil” is a reality show in 1866 where a Union soldier and a veteran of the Confederacy are put to reside together in a log cabin in Pennsylvania.

OVERVIEW

In this scripted satire of the reality show genre, it's 1866, and former Confederate infantryman Calhoun Jackson and Union soldier Hilton Thurdinghill III are put to reside together in a log cabin in Pennsylvania. Calhoun is a backwoods racist who is street smart but illiterate and socially reprehensible. Hilton is a high-society, highly literate fife-playing 40-year-old virgin who has never lived on his own. Both men compete for the affections of Eliza, the town whore. Calhoun thinks Hilton is a sissy, but the homophobic Calhoun’s new best friend is The Woodsman, an effeminate bear of a man whom Calhoun thinks is a real man’s man. Cassius Alcindor, a Mr. Fix-It and the county’s only black man, is the wise sage in the middle of it all. The show is shot like any other reality show, complete with testimonials, and never a wink or nod to the fact the video cameras didn’t exist.

THE PITCH

Reality television has attempted to manufacture drama from what seems like every imaginable corner, from putting strangers together to family swapping to following around celebutantes and plastic surgeons. We just can’t get enough.

So the time is ripe for “Being Civil”, a reality show in 1866 where a Union soldier and a veteran of the Confederacy are put to reside together in a log cabin in Pennsylvania. Union soldier Hilton Thurdinghill III is an aristocratic wimp who plays fife in the army. Calhoun Jackson is an illiterate hick who can survive in the woods, but doesn’t do well in society.

This scripted satire of the reality show genre heightens the absolute ridiculousness of the genre. The show is shot like any other reality show, complete with testimonials, and never a wink or nod to the fact the cameras didn’t exist.

In addition to the culture clash between the Union and Confederate soldiers, “Being Civil” is a ready-made vehicle to satirize not only reality shows, but also current events. For example, there would be an episode where two wealthy heiresses live for a month on a farm next to Hilton and Calhoun, and the townspeople pay to watch like a golf event. It’s the first reality show, and it’s live. Another example is an episode where the townspeople start collecting each other’s photographs (daguerrotypes) and placing them on the outside of their cabins to indicate who their friends are.

Reality television just got really real.

THE CHARACTERS

Hilton Thurdinghill III is a bespectacled fife player from the Union army. He’s a high-society wimp, a 40- year-old virgin with few street smarts and life skills, and he’s never fired a gun. Jolly, optimistic, and naïve, he’s trying to court the town whore.

Calhoun Jackson is an illiterate Confederate soldier. He can survive in the woods, but when it comes to town living, he’s useless. He drinks and stinks. He’s a bigot and proud of it. He and Hilton compete for the town whore’s affection, but she won’t sleep with Calhoun because he’s so disgusting.

Eliza is the town whore. She’s been around, but she likes hanging around with Hilton because he seems harmless. She’s disgusted by Calhoun, who is saving up money to have sex with her.

Cassius Alcindor is the county’s only black man. He speaks slowly and wisely. He’s the smartest person in the group, and he can fix anything. There’s a good chance that Cassius and Eliza are getting it on.

The Woodsman is an effeminate bear of a man. Always shirtless and wielding an axe, he dreams of building a home in Paris. Calhoun thinks The Woodsman is a real man’s man and likes to hang out with him, all the while calling Hilton a sissy.

FUTURE EPISODES

• Calhoun gets a job at a restaurant while Hilton gets a job as a blacksmith.
• The townspeople start collecting each other’s photographs (daguerrotypes) and placing them on the outside on their cabins to indicate who their friends are. Nobody “friends” Calhoun.
• Hilton spends all of his and Calhoun’s money on a traveling salesman’s cure-all elixir after Calhoun goes on a hunting trip with The Woodsman. Calhoun and The Woodsman sleep in the same tent on the trip.
• Calhoun and Hilton try absinthe and meet their new Quaker neighbors. Hilton finally gets laid. Or thinks he has.
• When Hilton’s family visits, Calhoun takes a shine to Hilton’s sister. Calhoun attacks Ulysses Grant when Grant comes through town, pelting him with the exotic fruits that Hilton’s family has brought him from Central America.
• Calhoun is bitten on the finger by a grass snake after he passes out from drinking. Hilton, “trained” in boot camp and wanting to be helpful, amputates Calhoun’s finger while he’s passed out.
• Two wealthy heiresses live for a month on a farm next to Hilton and Calhoun, and the townspeople pay to watch the ladies like a golf event.
• Hilton wants to do a Civil War reenactment. Calhoun is more than happy to oblige, and gets his old buddies together. For Hilton, the reenactment goes terribly wrong when Calhoun’s boys use real ammunition.